Home Sweet Home

Looking back to process I wonder

The world around me and the care we're under

Was it my era, bad luck, blunder

Food for thought got well fed

Bit of education learnt how to read and read well

The day my mama died I forgave her

Introduction into child home

Islington Borough to be my saviour

I can't believe at this age I'm at a certain stage of

conscience

Drop the ABC and booze, now my reality is a 

nonsense

Of a past I'm running from that's caught up

Where I keep my mouth shut

Makes me cringe to think

Abused by a paedo link

Can't get out of my head

Shadows and voices at the end of my bed

Where no-one hears my story,  Ignore me

Explore me

Memories and scars

I'd run away and sleep under cars

Daytime for bullies, night time for stalkers and 

creeps

Weren't no fun for us as kids

Your night time Epping runs, no sleep

My memories to keep still leave me stunned

Was I picked to be the chosen one

Or is my voice, to be the only one


By Islington Survivor (November 23)

‘those silent voices calling to us from the dark and silent, lonely places in this world and beyond, some offering glimpses of joy.’
ISN Survivor (May 2021)

Sia – Unstoppable

All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town
I'll do it 'til the sun goes down and all through the night time
Oh yeah
Oh yeah, I'll tell you what you wanna hear
Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear
It's never the right time
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am


I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

I'm unstoppable today

Break down, only alone I will cry out now
You'll never see what's hiding out
Hiding out deep down
Yeah, yeah
I know, I've heard that to let your feelings go
Is the only way to make friendships grow
But I'm too afraid now
Yeah, yeah

I put my armor on, show you how strong I am
I put my armor on, I'll show you that I am

I'm unstoppable
I'm a Porsche with no brakes
I'm invincible
Yeah, I win every single game
I'm so powerful
I don't need batteries to play
I'm so confident
Yeah, I'm unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
Unstoppable today
I'm unstoppable today

I'm unstoppable today

Songwriters: Sia Furler, Chris Braide. For non-commercial use only.

My Memories Remain

Does anyone care?

I know I was there,

even though the pages of truth they

removed without care.

Chapters missing

Chronology altered.

I shockingly found out the truth had

been tampered.

Inserts of me that are misrepresented.

Like a play or a film which was

orchestrated.

Proclaimed as no hope as a burden to

others.

Missed out pages that mentioned I

suffered.

They remapped the truth to cover

what happened.

They portrayed me as wild, unruly and

loud.

The truth in my mind’s archives remain

in me hidden,

as I clearly remember all that had

happened.

Of a part of my life they intentionally

erased.

The years have fast forwarded and not

one will liaise,

to give me consolation,

and I’m left in a daze.

As all that mattered was their own

reputation.

….

Peering back through the curtains of

time.

I regress like a phantom at a life that

was mine.

Parts that existed they intentionally

erased.

As years have fast forwarded they

hoped all would fade.

And that no one would realise the plan

that they made,

for the truth they removed from my

files without trace.

They removed pages that mattered.

My memories all scattered.

Full of confusion with questions

unanswered.

I’m left disillusioned

There is no one to answer.

And the years pass by further and

further.

….

‘Insolent’ child I was labelled and

named

But the truth will always forever

remain.

As I know all that happened, I am not

drunk or insane.

I’m left full of sadness of memories and

pain.

I am left feeling vexed again and again,

with no consolation.

Feeling perplexed

Full of emotion,

due to their neglect.

They made it appear as though it was

all a delusion.

‘All in her mind and never happened’.

I’m struggling for reasons and

explanations.

I need them to return the correct

information.

Why was there no one to care or

defend me?

It was not all a bad dream,

I remember so clearly.

There was no one to steer, guide &

protect me.

The memories remain stuck in a

repeated loop.

They showed no concern not even a

hoot.

The memories still echo through

distant time.

Imbedded in my thoughts and deep in my mind.

I am unable to understand or even to

find.

The purpose and reason they removed

what was mine.

….

I was just a child searching for

acceptance.

To feel safe with a purpose,

under their care and protection.

They knew very well that this did not

happen.

I have tried to be strong in order to

cope.

I tell myself maybe the purpose was

hope.

To reach out to others who need

someone’s help.

But I’m left with the memories which

echo in vain.

Without a meaning or reasoning &

unbearable pain.

Does anyone care?

I know, I was there!

Even though the Pages of truth they

removed without care.

Islington Survivor. This poem is based on my experience of receiving my childhood care file and finding that so much that was so important was missing and erased.

Shameful Times

In the 1970’s, 80’s and 90’s, working in many of Islington’s children’s homes Were a group of ruthless adults, with freedom to take and to roam.

You, who was working for the authority took from us We the small people, needing your trust.

You, who worked for the authority took for your own gain Perhaps you thought you could sell it off as a game.

We the small people, all the same beneath you. We had no voice, no status, no one to care, Leaving the doors open, placed in your care.

Some of us for safety or family breakdowns; Who knows for what reason. But you had our records, showing our vulnerability. And now in some cases, records are missing or have little to say and No one is held to accountability.

You, who worked for the authority Received accommodation, a salary, regular meals and a status to move on. You, working for the authority Collected us like medals and moved us around, Never believing we could make a sound.

You, who worked for the authority took part in many of distressing crimes, Played around with young human minds.

Never did you believe the time would come, when we would grow and move on; With power to share, stories of time that has now gone.

The borough is aware of what happened and gave an apology as a whole. They say, if you worked in such a place, if you saw or heard of such disgrace; Don’t be apprehensive, come forward, speak out.

Many of voice’s telling the same story can only speak the truth. The truth as it needs to be known, what really happened in those children’s homes.

Islington Survivor: I Would like to add that not all staff working in Islington’s children’s homes were involved in abuse. And Rest in Peace to all those that suffered and passed before us. X

Past masters, twisted reasoning and taboo

Can you not see the damage you do?..
Just ask the victims of secrets by you!.
Crimes of humanity hand-in-hand,
Damaging children across the land.
Children suffered,
violence covered all the while the deep state hovered.
The deeper you go, The more you know, with truth comes pain and woe, don’t be disheartened, frightened or guarded, through pain points direction to go.
Come on my friend in spirit we’ll blend’ forward together we’ll go.
Mapping and tracking, climbing in feeling, New truth and direction are so.
Can I trust the press who sometimes give less
Than the chance to progress what their the masters suppress.
Government puppets are naive Muppets to another universe you go,
As with only one way, Will you see a great day with only one spirit to know.
If you want to know with your ego in tow then the only answer is no!!!
I call upon the afflicted may your spirits be
lifted and love replenish your soul.

Written by Islington Survivor
To all at Islington Survivors and abuse victims where ever you maybe will be.

You laughed at my weaknesses

You laughed at my weaknesses
- So I feared to show them
You trampled on my dreams
- -so I dreamed alone
You were too busy to listen
- -so I never spoke
You handled my secrets
- Indiscreetly – so I ceased to share them
You were insensitive to my needs
- so I hid them from you
You never seemed to understand
- -so I stopped trying to communicate
You hurt me by your indifference
- So I bled inwardly
You wouldn’t let me hear you
- So I kept my distance
You cared for my physical needs
- So my soul became impoverished
You drove me into myself
- So now I am imprisoned.

Islington Survivor

I’m going to make this statement about going into care

My hell started as my parents
Separated
I was Put in to
care
My nightmare began
From day one
Abuse physical
And sexual
I avoided sexual
O you knew 
the staff
To avoid being cornered
Some were too late to
save
But once they knew
You would stand up
To them
Take the abuse the
beating
But not conforming
doing
They lost interest
And moved you from
Home  to home
To stop you interfering
In their business of abusing
Those left in there charge
On the
 duty of care banner
Gov like to shout out about
When it suits them
Wave it like a flag
But in reality does not
 exist
I was made a ward of court
I know I lived it
Had to ask the courts permission
To wipe my own arse
Yet no record exists
Of that
How is that even possible
That tells me
Right there alone something was
Covered up
What I cannot remember
But I no
This once I was
No one not one
not
Even the police
once they knew
Would not put a hand
on me
No one
but i was a teen
by then
And had been in care since
I was ten
So abuse was around
Got my fare share
Of what was being dished out
Until I lost the plot
Chased every single member of staff
Out of the home
And refused to allow any in
No one
On pain of being stabbed
Id had enough
Of it
Then they sectioned me
I was in
Deep doo doo
Was sent
Psychiatrist
Psycho analyst
Psychologists
Many different docs
 therapists
Over
An eighteen month
Period
I was drugged daily
Drooled
like a sick puppy
Couldnt do a thing
Without some form
Of aid
It was my lil brother
Who stepped up
And suddenly
Whilst I was
Out of my nut on meds
They sent my brother
And sister to
80 Highbury new park
As I believe I lost it
Protecting my family
And other kids
From the constant abuse
Daily
Physical or sexual
It was an assault course
Really
Which one is worst
How do I avoid
being near this
Fucker  member of staff
Thats why I believe they split us up
So I could not defend my
Family
And it turned out
That way
I know my brother
was getting beats
on a daily basis
Maybe more than one
Attack a day
I knew my bro
I knew wat he would take
And that wat he would
not

Islington Survivor

Justice or Just Ice?

One day when inner peace was no more
Falling from grace my journey to the floor
Managing despair, fear, behaviours and conversations
I gave the best of myself as I understood and helped as best to those in need
With some of those above us forgetting to keep their feet on the street
Escaping their fears with drugs and beers and those are just my neighbours
Three I know who share my plight but none who care as ignorance reigns right.
Homes, boarding schools for the maladjusted, assessment centres and approved schools
No praise, no hug , no birthday hub!
Just another day
Years of suppression finally give way
But only after my place in life was taken away
No moving forward - no moving back
Just another addition to despair on the stack.
Tonight at home with a glass of wine feet up!
Munching on your throne
Think of so many children alone
25 years have gone and passed
but still Islington Council run away from the past
But you got an answer at Islington’s pit (town hall culpability at last)
I stood and challenged and run them round good
For my Islington survivors with eyes dimly lit
Challenging with anger and fury I bid
Because that’s the only way to make clear what they did !
Islington survivors I love to the core
As  taking away my isolation I’m not so lonely no more!

Islington Survivor

Gift of Tears

Who will cry for the Little Girl
abandoned on her own
Who will cry for the Little Girl
the Police took from her home
Who will cry for the Little Girl
whose Mother did not come, escaping from
her husband-Beast in panic and despair
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who cried herself to sleep
Who will cry for the Little Girl
for a family she will never meet
WHO WILL CRY?
Who wil cry for the Little Girl
who walked beside the Beast
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who couldn’t escape his leash
Who will cry for the Little Girl
whose access he did gain
Who will cry for the Little Girl
he raped again and again
WHO WILL CRY?
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who was placed in Children’s care
Who will cry for the Little Girl
abused again in there
In children’s care they knew my plight
but no one there helped me stop it and fight
WHO WILL CRY?
Who will cry for the Little Girl
whose body he did distort
Who will cry for the Little Girl
his child she did abort
Who will cry for the Little Girl
whose ghost still lives in me
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who was never meant to be
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who cripples me in Pain
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who makes me live in shame
Who will cry for the Little Girl
her chains still bound round me
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who won’t let me break free
WHO WILL CRY?
Who will cry for the Little Girl
who tried to do her best
Who will cry for the Little Girl
I must grieve and lay to rest
LITTLE Girl
I’ve carried you for fifty years
and lived my life in Oceans of Tears
But now its time to set you free
and rest your eternal pain in me
WHO WILL CRY? As I am Free!
Goodbye


Islington Survivor

Abuse is Abuse

Abuse is abuse it shouldn’t depend on the number of times it happened

Abuse is abuse

Abuse is abuse no matter where it took place

Absolutely – this should not be ignored abuse is abuse

Why not? Abuse is abuse

Why not? Abuse is abuse

Abuse is abuse no matter where you live

Abuse is abuse

Abuse is abuse no matter where or when it took place

Abuse is abuse it doesn’t matter where it happened

Abuse is abuse in any form of disguise

Abuse is abuse

ISN views of the Support Payment Scheme Proposal 2021

DOWNLOAD of video of Shirley Bassey singing THIS IS MY LIFE

ISN survivor wrote

I recall being mesmerised as a little girl by watching a Christmas Special Performance Concert on Television of Shirley Bassey and her singing on stage the song ‘This Is My Life’. She sang this song with pain and passion and I immediately related to the performance and the lyrics of this song with tears of reflective pain and anger…
During three days in court during the trial of the person who abused me, this was the song that ‘reclaimed my life’ from all my Childhood Abusers and played a huge part in my recovery of hate and anger, letting it go and moving forward and leaving the past in the past. A re-birth if you like!
There’s one dream I’ve always had and wanted Shirley Bassey to know personally, is that her performance transformed me into the strong woman that I am today and it/she made me fight with all I had left in me to survive my childhood and fight back and Reclaim My Life.

The Lyrics to This is My Life

Funny, how a lonely day
Can make a person say
What good is my life

Funny, how a breaking heart
Can make me start to say
What good is my life

Funny, how I often seem
To think I’ll find another dream
In my life

Till I look around and see
This great big world is part of me
And my life

This is my life, today, tomorrow
Love will come and find me
But that’s the way that I was born to be
This is me, this is me

This is my life and I don’t
Give a damn for lost emotions
I’ve such a lot of love, I’ve got to give
Let me live, let me live

Sometime when I feel afraid
I think of what a mess I’ve made
Of my life

Crying over my mistakes
Forgetting all the breaks I’ve had
In my life

I was put on earth to be
A part of this great world is me
And my life

Guess I’ll just add up the score
And count the things I’m grateful for
In my life

This is my life, today, tomorrow
Love will come and find me
But that’s the way that I was born to be
This is me, this is me

This is my life and I don’t
Give a damn for lost emotions
I’ve such a lot of love, I’ve got to give
Let me live, let me live

This is my life
This is my life
This is my life

Reflection

Since childhood I have had time to reflect on my life and have reviewed and questioned every memory, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You can put those memories to one side however they creep back in when you do not expect them in everyday life, you realise they will always be there, the pain and the hurt, however you can never turn the clock back, and you realise that family and friendships you had and loved dearly are gone, and gone forever.

You may have photos and letters to remember, they are pieces of paper with a connection to who you were, and the man and dreams you once had and aspired too, and then you think about what might have been.

You can see looking around you people are smiling and happy, and families are sharing celebrations and the bonds between siblings’ parents and extended families are loving and real, they are not all thinking about the bad and the ugly, they feel safe.

What might have been my life and what would I have achieved ?
ISN Survivor